Let’s Be Friends!
Friendships are necessary in life and although they may be messy, they are well worth it when they are healthy.
Growing up, my mother used to say, “If you have ONE true friend in your lifetime you are blessed”. She didn’t believe friendships were easy to find, let alone worth all the effort to maintain and keep them healthy.
I didn’t understand what my mom meant about friendships at such a young age. At the time I was in grade school, and of course, my playground buddies would be a part of my friend group for life! Reality- we grew up, moved away, and lost the common interest of living in community together. Those friendships changed, some were lost, some became distant, and others still remain in my heart. I see what she was saying, maintaining friendships is difficult.
As we grow up, we learn behaviors and beliefs from the people around us- some good behaviors and beliefs, and others just not accurate or true. We get hurt, we then hurt others, and unfortunately, we take it out on the people closest to us. Friends and family beware!
Relationships at their best are just plain messy! We all want to be accepted and valued.
As a kid, I wanted to be chosen to be on the team by my classmates, not left out. Somewhere along the way in the fight to secure our place we start defining our friendships. The desire can influence how/why we develop them, keep them, view them, and value them. They are our motives. We also begin to judge others for what they can and cannot do for us in friendships, and that takes on a new definition of friendship. I wonder if that is friendship at all or just selfish gain?
The bottom line is we all need and want trusted friends. Those healthy friendships that help us enjoy life, encourage us and believe in us. This goes beyond the family structure- which is often broken, or dysfunctional. No perfect family, no perfect friends, we live in an imperfect world.
Friends in healthy relationships help us deal with stress. They help us to make better lifestyle choices that keep us strong and allow us to rebound from health issues and disease more quickly. There is a huge link to healthy friendships and better mental health.
Straight talk here, we were not created to go through life alone, we need each other. An important lesson I have learned from the pandemic of the coronavirus is that in isolation people become depressed, lonely and stress is increased. I’ve experienced missing the very people and social activities I have taken for granted with an expectation of they would always be there, very much like my school-age thinking.
It’s not true, not of us are guaranteed another day of life regardless of the circumstances around us.
Now that I have been reminded that people are not guaranteed to be in my life, I must handle relationships differently. I want people to know how much value they bring and how important they are in my life.
What’s sustainable for you will be determined by you and the people in the relationship. We can all take ownership of this part. Sometimes what you want is exactly what you must be willing to give to others in order to receive it. Friendships often take a backseat to work, family, raising children, and the overall busyness of life in general. It has been true in my life even though I am consciously looking to improve in this area. Yes, this too requires focus and work, not easy.
Healthy relationships, that is what we all want and need. According to Psychology Today, there are 13 things a healthy relationship needs to be successful. Here are the top 7 most people I work with have identified as important over the years.
- Trust
- Communication (open & honest)
- Respect
- Reciprocity
- Healthy Conflict Resolution
- Boundaries
- Appreciation
